I never anticipated the path
I would never change my past, or any mistakes I made, I look back on the year after my first true heart break, my first true break up, and I can’t help but shake my head in shame in all my mistakes and failures. I can’t clearly write what I learned from all these happenings except for never wanting to be in that place ever again. To this day, I still am in constant questioning of my worth but I know I’m better than where I’ve been.
Maybe it was his lips on mine, or maybe it was the impact of my car hitting that pole that gave my stomach that feeling I normally get on roller coasters. All I truly do know, is that the whole situation was a complete mess and not something I wanted. I had broken up with my first love, lost almost all my friends, and was shit faced with one of his best friends who had treated me like crap and contributed to many issues in my relationship. Still I yearned for any form of attention, especially feeling special receiving it from him. He was gorgeous. He ignored me before, and always encouraged my boyfriend to treat me like crap. He stole my phone, and had gotten me wasted. I drove completely drunk, and now had crashed my car due to him kissing me. That was the first time, I truly realized that I was better than something. I was better than driving drunk, I was better than this kid who was kissing me, I was better than crashing my car. That feeling that I got in my stomach, when my foot slipped off the break due to him kissing me, the impact of my car getting wrecked. My reaction was delayed. I should’ve put my car in park, I should’ve expected that he was going to kiss me. I learned so much about myself that day. Sometimes, it haunts me.